Coping Tips
Steps And Tips Provided By Serono Reproductive Health For Couples Dealing With Infertility.
Realization and Acknowledgment
Most couples expect to conceive shortly after they stop using birth control, but as time passes, concern begins to replace anticipation. Couples are likely to feel shock and dismay when they realize that they aren't able to conceive a child as easily as expected.
Some common experiences of the wide range of emotions couples feel during this stage are:
- The woman is often the first to realize that there may be a problem
- The man may need to be convinced that the couple needs medical intervention
- Feelings of fear, anger, denial, stress, guilt blame, self-pity and jealousy begin to occur
- Emotions and disagreements become magnified. Issues take on a greater importance than under "normal" circumstances.
Evaluation and Diagnosis
Most couples are searching for answers during this stage. Hopes of finding a quick solution may be replaced with uncertainty. The testing period can be stressful, invasive, and expensive, and couples may feel uncomfortable, guilty, and even fearful. These are normal reactions to an overwhelming experience.
Some common examples of feelings couples experience during the infertility evaluation are:
- Loss of control - a sense that doctors and tests are taking over your life
- Anger at your body, your partner, or others who are pregnant or have children
- Self punishment - Saying or thinking "What did I do to deserve this?" "What could I have done differently?"
- Threatened sense of sexuality
- Shame and embarrassment over not functioning "normally"
- Need for secrecy, resulting in isolation from friends and family
- Blame and guilt
- Lack of privacy due to the invasive nature of tests
- Sense of being misunderstood by those who have children or are pregnant
- Shock, numbness, and/or relief when a problem is confirmed
Some strategies that your doctor may recommend to help you through this tough period of time are:
- Read as much as you can about infertility, its causes, and treatments
- Communicate fears and emotions to your partner regularly
- Support one another, but understand that, at times, this will be difficult
- Acknowledge that you may experience periods of depression and anxiety may happen
- Reduce stressful activities as much as possible
- Allow yourself private time
- Try sharing your problem with supportive friends or family members
- Attend doctor appointments with your partner so you both understand what is happening
- Write down all of your questions so you don't forget to ask your doctor
Treatment
Most couples feel that infertility dominates their lives at this point, and that freedom and spontaneity are treasures of the past. It is normal for couples to feel as if they are riding an emotional roller coaster - hope at the start of the treatment, disappointment and mourning when a cycle fails. They are often exhausted and frustrated with the demands of therapy and may feel undermined or dehumanized.
Some common examples of feelings couples experience during treatment include:
- Anger at infertility for ruling everyday life
- Frustration over treatments that don't guarantee a baby, despite the time, emotional energy, and money spent
- Anger at the inequity of infertility treatment. In most cases, women carry more of the burden
- Feelings of victimization by doctors, technology, and medication
- Uncertainty about the side effects of the medications
- A heightened sense of sensitivity and vulnerability
- The feeling that intercourse is a chore and a battleground for many negative emotions
- Growing anxiety over the financial cost
- Frustration over the inability to make short- and long-term plans
- Self punishment - Thinking or saying "Maybe I don't deserve to have a child"
- Blame - Thinking or saying "If only we'd done this or that, then we would have a baby"
Some strategies that your doctor may recommend to help you through this tough period of time are:
- Set up a timetable for treatment and live by it as much as possible
- Keep records of your treatments, paper work, etc. This will make it easier to pursue insurance coverage
- Anticipate the emotional roller-coaster ride of treatment and create coping strategies with you partner to deal with these short-term ups and downs.
- Don't expect your partner to always feel as you do. Share when you can, but don't push it
- Consider the possibility of restructuring your life if treatment becomes overwhelming
- Realize that sex may seem mechanical and automatic.
- Make a date to have sex for fun during the "nonfertile" times of the cycle and make intimacy a priority
- Seek emotional support from a counselor or support group.
- Try to manage stews with relaxation techniques, journaling or yoga.
Resolution
Many couples who have been through the experience of infertility say, "If I can get through this, I can get through anything." The ability to get through such a demanding and often overwhelming experience leaves many couples with renewed self-esteem and a feeling of confidence. Reaching the resolution stage is an accomplishment within itself and has its own rewards. This can be a time of reordering priorities and changing goals.
Some common examples of feelings couples experience as they work towards a resolution are:
- Acceptance of things that cannot be changed
- Feelings of exhaustions and the need to move on
- Realization that not every aspect of life can be controlled
- A greater ability to empathize with other people's problems
- Realization that good things can come out of bad experiences - such as a new sense of intimacy within marriage
- Realization that life can be fulfilling even for those who don't fulfill every dream
Some strategies that your doctor may recommend to help you through this tough period of time are:
- Talk to others who have successfully resolved their infertility in different ways
- Stop treatment or take a break before helplessness becomes uncontrollable
- Focus on your partner and your relationship. Get involved in meaningful activities together and spend quality time together.
- Explore other alternatives, such as third party reproduction or adoption.
- If you and your partner continue to feel isolated from one another, consider couples counseling
The infertility experience is an opportunity for many couples to face their fears and resolve important issues by working together as a couple. Whatever the result, this experience can create an opportunity to learn new communication and problem-solving skills and to grow closer to your partner.
